Author's Note: The following was going to be part of a trilogy, but I decided to make some sort of tetralogy, and it's (very) heavily inspired by the blokes at Bad Creepypasta, 'cause english I guess, but it was mainly inspired by this tweet (☀https://twitter.com/i/status/1008463878118957058) by my boi @Steckzz! Enjoy!
The Great Saga, Part I - Hyper-Realistic Doge Meme
= Act I: Much Sp00k Yes =
“Number 15: Hyper-Realistic Doge meme. The last thing you’d is for your Doge meme to go hyperrealistic and kill you, but that might be what you get.” -
I was on my computer one day, checking my email. It was a fairly normal day, the sun shined through my window, and was well. That was when I saw that I had just received a message, so I refreshed my inbox, and that’s when I saw it. It stood out like a sore thumb because of the fact its text was rendered in unfiltered comic sans. It was a message that read “Very Hyper-Realism, Much Spo0k”. Intrigued, I clicked on it. There was an .exe attachment. I stopped the slow jazz playing in my head, and proceeded onwards.
The .exe file was named “HYPER-REALISTIC_DOGE_MEME.exe”. The all caps caught me off guard, and gave me a chuckle. There was also a video attachment, so I checked for viruses and watched it. There was a single slug from, but a young male voice spoke. It said, "Number Fifteen: Hyperrealistic Doge Meme. The last thing you'd want is for your doge meme to go hyperrealistic and kill you, however, that might be what you get. A senile man once rubbed his screen where the doge was, and the image went hyperrealistc and killed him instantly by pouring hot pepperoni pizza hot pockets on his genitals." Filled with curiosity, I downloaded the exe. file, and then ran it. It opened a window, a window saying that the program was for Mac. I was confused. As far as I knew, a Mac OS couldn’t run .exe files. I opened the file, and it said wasn’t compatible with my PCI closed the window, and was about to delete the file entirely, but then, a window opened on it’s own. The top bar where it said the name of the application running, it said “Hyper-Realistic Doge Meme.exe”.
The program booted up and it appeared to be a game. It started on a character select menu, but there was only one character playable. The menu itself had a very playful aesthetic about it, brimming with pink, white, and several pastel colors. The music was, oddly enough, the track titled “Okay Everyone!” from Doki-Doki Literature Club, but it was a mixed version, playing all versions at once. I knew this because it literally said so in the bottom left corner, with the tracks title (It said it was a Maximum Doki Mix) and a little speaker icon. The only playable character was a poorly rendered troll face named “le troll face m8”. The sight of this thing made me cringe. I pressed the space key, and I was greeted by the sax solo from We Are Number One, followed by “It’s raping time!”
To say the least, I was dumbfounded. The first level played, and it appeared to be A school yad of some sorts. The game itself seemed to be a 2D platformer. I had the troll face man move right to get a hold of the controls. Unexpectedly, there was a sort of easter egg. there was a hyper-realistic painting of a Sonic plushy. I chuckled, and immediately gave it no mind. I moved the character to the right, and thus stareted the level. There was just a straight sidewalk with the occasional tree to pass by. I was about to stop because it was taking way too long, but ass soon as my hand touched the mouse, the background changed drastically, and now it was a maroored ocean, with several titanic figures in crucifix formations spread throughout. The troll man was standing on a rocky surface. Then a black/grey horned figure with bat-like wings and a wing-like crest on his head appeared. He challenged me to a battle.
“I’m able to slaughter many demons on my own, let’s see what you’ve got!” The characters’ text box had their name: Devilman. A boss fight started, and a mashup of the Devilman song and Gentleman by PSY started playing. It was actually kinda cool. The boss fight didn’t last long though, as Devilman was soon devoured by a Hyper-realistic_Doge.png who then swiftly ate Le Troll Fcae m8 as well.
I was then sent back to the character select screen. And now, there were other options, but Le Troll Face m8 was crossed out in hot pink. It kind of ruined the aesthetic to be honest. The new characters were as follows: Luigi, Kamata-Kun from Shin Godzilla, Flandre Scarlet from Touhou, and Peter Griffin dressed up as Homer Simpson with a flaming Sans Undertale eye (but the menu called him Adolf Shitler).
I chose Luigi, and the game played a loud sound of Luigi saying “Momma Luigi”. This when the level booted up, it seemed to be in the style of a top-down RPG much like Earthbound, Yume Nikki or Legend of Zelda. I walked Luigi around for about two seconds and I was already interrupted by yet another boss battle. The screesn cross-faded to a 2D segment of Luigi riding a scooter, trying to chase down Infinite from Sonic Forces. It was fucking confusing. The background looked like the Null Space stage from Forces as well. He taunted Luigi.
“Well, if it isn’t the second banana!” Infinite spoke through his edgy voice changing mask.
“Fuck you!” Luigi resonded in his italian accent. The two battled longer than Le Troll Face m8 and Devilman did, but eventually, it reached the same conclusion, the Hyper-Realistic_Doge.png ate them both. It was kind of a let down.
Once again I was sent back to the CH Menu, and Luigi was crossed out as well. I decided to leave it there and go to work, but I got a call from my boss saying my schedule was changed, and that I had the day off. That was sure strange. I decided to take a walk instead.
= Act II: Freaky Tortellini =
As I was walking through the park, I noticed something. There was another woman out with her dog. The dog was a Shibe, also known as a Shiba Inu, or.... Doge… The dog was staring right at me… I felt a little unnerved, not because it was a doge, I have one myself, I just don’t like being stared at. But as I went home, I could have sworn that out of the corner of my eye, I saw a very realistic Doge.png. As soon as I got home, I decided to have a bowl of cereal, but I quickly realized I forgot to get any milk, as I had run out the day prior, so i made my way to the store.
I stood in the dairy section, getting a gallon of milk, when I was approached by two blokes.
“You’ve played that game too, I feel it...” One of them said.
“Um, what?” I asked in response.
“You’ve played that Hyper-Realistic Doge game, haven’t you?” The other one asked. He had a sort of square head, like a paving slab.
“How did you--” I was cut off.
“It’s our job to take out those involved in its development.” The first chap said.
“Who are you guys?” I asked.
“Oh, my apologies, we’re representatives for an agency known as Freaky Tortellini, it’s funded by Dogecoin and DoggoCorp. We were originally formed to take out the Cult of X with our Cult of Echks, totally different I swear, and assisting the Turkey Cult… Odd fellows they are.”
“I’m the founder of Freaky Tortellini, Jacob Sherwood, and the Turkey Cult folks aren’t weird because they’re in a Turkey cult, it’s because they all wear rotisserie chickens on their heads.” The square headed bloke spoke.
The building started to collapse, and the ceiling gave way, revealing a Metal Gear Ray.
“I just wanted some god damn milk for my cereal god dammit!” I exclaimed. After that, several cyborg ninjas wearing doge masks jumped down from the Ray, ready to strike.
“Toby, Matt! I choose you!” Jacob threw two Pokeballs, and out came his best friends Shadow Wolf, aka Toby Mitchell, and Matt (nobody knows his alias or his last name). A man in a burglary trench coat jumped down from the mecha as well, wearing the same doge mask, but it was hyper-realistic. He pulled out three Pokeballs.
“Hey dickwadd, that’s against the rules, I only pulled out two!” Jacob yelled.
“Shut the fuck up or I will kill in the most unspeakable way… With lasers And sharks!” The commander ninja replied. From the three Pokeballs came three monsters; Lizard Lesbian, Gnome King, and Green Gay.
“Hey what’s up guy, and welcome to another fucking video, it’s Leafy!” Lizard Lesbian screamed.
“Who?” All three of us simultaneously asked.
“REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--” The hideous creature ran away.
“Everyone type in the chat,’Alex is a stupid nigger’, fuck him!” Gnome King kept yelling racial slurs.
“Ah, shit, I only pulled one of the ones I wanted.” The ninja commander complained.
“I’m gay!” Green Gay chanted. Just then, Green Gay split in two, and out came Pink Pain.
“NYEEESS! GIMME DEM PU$$Y B0$$!” They were about to attack, when Metal Gear was blown up by a Mazinger Z robot (because this author’s a fucking weeb and the story’s suddenly set in britain for some reason).
“Ah fuck, we’ve been compromised!” The cyborg commander said, but immediately after Toby threw a piping hot pepperoni pizza hot pocket all over the commanders’ manhood, causing him to evaporate into dust. The Doge forces retreated.
“Report whatever you find of that game, got it?” Jacob said. The other bloke gave Toby a hug.
“Hey dad, how’s it going?!” Toby said.
“Don’t I get one?” Jacob asked. Everyone was silent, and I rushed back home.
“What the fuck even was all that?” I thought to myself.
= Act III: The Final-- Wait That Kinda Spoils It =
As soon as I got home, I made some cereal, and played that game some more. I selected Kamata-Kun next, because he’s a precious, cute, bloody cinnamon bun of a giant monster that’s too pure for this world I guess. The level booted up, and it was the scene from Shin Godzilla where he makes landfall as Kamata-Kun, but it was pixelated, hyper-realistic, and a photo straight from the movie. Kamata-Kun himself was just a straight up PNG rather than a sprite like Luigi, Devilman, or Infinite. A boss then appeared, and it was the Adolf Hitler character from the CH Menu.
“You thought Doge worked alone?” He questioned. “I worked with him the whole time!” This apparently enraged Kamata-Kun, and he grew to his final form. Now Shin Godzilla, he was about to crushe the traitor, but the Peter Griffin OC grew to kaiju size. The boss fight began. It didn’t last long, as the Hyper-Realistic_Doge.png interrupted.
“Adolf Shitler you are no longer needed. I have a new champion.” During this, the track title “Satan” from Devilman Crybaby played, despite the scene being absolutely hilarious. The Doge.png then killed Shitler in the most unspeakable way… With laser sharks! The level just ended there, going back to the CH Menu.
Next up was Flandre Scarlet, and the level was immediately just a boss fight against Nelson Mandela the Toymaker (from Nelson Mandela’s A Long Walk to Toys’R’Us) and Squidwardo. More “backstabbers” I guess. The song “UN Owen Was Her?” from Touhou 6 started playing. Fitting. This was without a doubt the longest of the battles, lasting about 5 minutes. Squidward would occasionally use his hands (tentacles?) to bitch slap Flandre. It only worked once. Eventually, I beat them, and the Doge appeared.
“You thought they betrayed you too? Fool! I was controlling them! Now it‘s time you fayce my lieutenant!” The Doge.png spoke.
“You spelled that wrong.” I told him.
“SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BITCH I’LL HAVE YOUR ASS SOON!” The Doge replied angrily. All of a sudden, a png of Monika from Doki-Doki Literature Club appeared, and the music changed to Soundwave’s theme from Transformers Devastation, but it was a dual mix of the original and a perfect 16-bit rendition.
“Why are you mashing up all of these unrelated games?” I asked
“FOR THE LOLZ! LET ME FUCKIING LIVE!” The Doge said shortly before vanishing.
Monika kept shooting lasers out of her eyes, but I beat her first phase, and then it transitioned to Luigi and his side scrolling scooter rush. Luigi was able to use Infinite as an assist trophy of sorts, and each time I used it, Infinite would spawn many red cubic fidget spinners and attack Monika with them. I guessed this was like the final boss, hence the different phases with different characters.
After Luigi’s Part ended, the troll face m8s part started, with it being a standard sidescroller boss. Devilman would occasionally offer help by fucking/killing the bees Monika would spawn through Pokeballs.
After troll faces part came Shin Godzilla who escaped the Doge. He could summon Flandre to drop bombs on the titanic Monika (Titonika?) and Godzilla would use his beams to blast Monika into kingdom fuck!
“Noooooooooooo! I just wanted to have the best literature club!” Monika screamed as she was defeated.
“You thought that was the final boss?” An ominous voice said. “You haven’t even faced me!” The Doge appeared once more, but with a body similar to that of Photoshop Flowey from Undertale. He obliterated all of them... At least I thought he did. Jacob, Toby, Matt, Gemma, MDPhantasm, and Toby’s Dad stood there with all of the playable characters… And I was too?
“I’ve SUCCed you all into the game with me, now… YOU DIE!” The Hyper-Realistic_Doge.psd said.
“We’ll take you out anyway!” Jacob retorted. He grabbed out strange device.
“It’s morphin’ time!” He exclaimed. Then, a massive multicolored robot appeared. It was… a Megazord!
“Left leg, power up!” Toby said.
“Right leg, power up!” Matt said.
“Can’t we just skip this?” Gemma asked.
“Sure, why not?” Jacob replied. Gemma was the right arm, MDPhantasm was the left arm, Toby’s dad didn’t really do anything, and Jacob was the torso.
“You think I wasn’t prepared?” The Doge.psd bellowed. Then, from nowhere, Devastator from Transformers (not the movie version, because fuck Michael Bay) appeared, and pummeled the Megazord.
“You can’t fuck with me! I’ve got he power of God and Anime on my side!”
“Fuck. Now what?” Matt asked.
“Wait, I think I’ve got something!” I picked up a Pokeball from the ground, and I knew…
“Go! Gurren Lagann!!!” For those who don’t know, Gurren Lagann is a huge ass mecha/robot. Everyone got inside it, and the true final boss initiated. The Gurren Lagann fought the Super Ultra Hyper-Realistic Photoshop Doge Meme.psd, and with luck, we won. We returned to the real world. The Super Ultra Hyper-Realistic Photoshop Doge Meme.psd had become a normal Doge Meme.
“Okay, you win… Just don’t rub me, I don’t like it...” It said. I proceeded to move my finger to the screen, and give the doggo a good ol’ rub. The doge glitched out, and went hyper-realistic for a second.
“We’ll take care of this!” A voice called from the back of the room. It was LOLSKELETONZ and Slimebeast.
“We are agents of Creepypasta.wiki.org, and you’ve saved us a lot of trouble!” Slimebeats said.
“You’re the guy who wrote I Hate You… I hate you.” Toby said.
“And Abandoned by Disney.” Matt continued.
“And Squidwards Suicide!” Jacob finished.
“But I also wrote Funnymouth.” Slimebeast replied.
“Hmmmm… I guess that does make up for Squidwards Suicide at the very least.”
“Tentacles?!” LOLSKELETONZ asked, seeming startled.
“Yes.” I replied.
“LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOLOLOL” He ran out screaming.
“We were send by freaky the Tortellini Commander to take the Hyperrealistic Doge Meme.exe back to HQ thrpugh a thumbdrive.” Slimebeast stated.
“I never requested such a thing!” Jacob said.
“Wait… You’re replaced, you didn’t know?” LOLSKELETONZ asked as he peaked into the room.
“Wha-- By whom?” Jacob demanded to know. Then, the wall was blown up, and the same cyborg ninjas came through it… But… They weren’t wearing Doge masks… Instead, they were wearing Shrek masks. The stuck a thumbdrive in my computer for a few seconds and then pulled it out, and they left.
“Ahhh shit!” Slimebeast remarked.
“What is it?” Jaocb asked.
“Jacob, the guy who replaced you was Shrek, and he sent those cyborg ninjas… He’s working with the Crappyraviolis!”
Slimebeast informed him of everything. Shrek was an avid politician in the underworld known as the Creepypasta Wiki, and rose out of the depths of that cesspit. He became a professor, philosopher and politician in the real world, and then became the head commander of Freaky Tortellini. Turns out this adventure was far from over...